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10 People to Blame for the Oil Spill - Page 2

As we all know, the most important aspect to the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is how we should all be thinking about it. We also know that, before we can even begin to find ways to fix the spill or cope with the damage it will inevitably cause to wildlife, the environment, coastlines, and the price of Zatarain's stock, we must, as quickly as possible, assign blame. We must make sure that the blame is pointed in a specific direction, free of distractions or talk of multiple sources of failure, and that whatever person or entity we choose to blame, it just happens to fit into our political worldview. So in case you are unsure of how you are supposed to feel, know that, no matter what your politics may be, you should be outraged. As for who should receive the brunt of your outrage, here are the popular candidates:


Bush and Obama
"Since that hurricane worked so well for you, I was thinking I'd try an oil spill; what do you think?"

Alright, no more bullshit. We all know that the government is really to blame. We know that there is a secret chamber beneath the White House where the president, his science advisor, Supreme Court justices, and leaders of both the House and Senate meet to discuss where and when to create the next disaster. It's not even a secret anymore, really. We know that it has always been in the best interests of the government to create mayhem and destruction on home turf, and it's all very simple. First, there is a disaster. Second, the government does nothing about it for weeks at a time. Third, the president takes a bunch of shit for it. Fourth, the government becomes more powerful. It's so ingenius!

So don't be one of these guys who's all like, "Well, the government didn't create the disaster, but they do share some responsibility for not being on the ball when the disaster struck." That's nonsense, because the government did create the disaster, and everyone knows it. We know that operatives from both political parties were sent to that oil rig to bring it down, and we know that when the cameras are off, all the politicians in Washington start laughing and giving each other high-fives.


Killer Whale
You won't be clapping and snapping photos when they come for you

A surprising majority of people believe that, when that trainer was murdered by a killer whale at Sea World a while back, it was an isolated incident and not the first salvo in a bloody war between marine mammals and human beings. You see, there was, immediately following the oil rig explosion, some footage of the event happening underwater, and in that footage, it is clear who the real culprits are: dolphins. This footage has conveniently been "lost," and if you ask anyone about it, they'll feign ignorance and ask you if you're joking.

What they don't want to tell you is that marine mammals--and even some fish--are fed up with humanity for Sea World, what they call "the largest, most numerous, and longest-running concentration camps in history" (or "eh-eh-eh-urrrrrrr-eheh" in the untranslated dolphin-tongue). Out in the wild, they've found places where huge posters of that killer whale are erected, honoring it as some kind of war hero for finally taking the fight to mankind. Nowadays, many young whales and dolphins are trained from a very early age to kill, sabotage, and suicide bomb. It won't be long before nobody can hide the truth anymore, so you best be ready when the war comes. God be with you if you live near a Sea World theme park.


We all live in a yellow submarine
If you thought this was a British invasion, you're gonna be in for a big surprise

They may act like allies, but the British people have been holding a grudge with America for well over two hundred years now. They'd like nothing more than for the American president to go over to the queen and get on bended knee, begging to be let back into the British Empire. It's no coincidence, therefore, that the "B" in BP used to stand for "British." Yeah, it's a British company, and it's all part of a plan to force America to admit that the whole revolution thing a few years back was all a big misunderstanding.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but the failure of a British-owned oil rig is meant to prove that America needs Great Britain. People in power know that the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, sent some men to ensure the rig's failure. Brown did this as a threat, to show America what the Empire will do to us if we don't snap out of this long-standing rebellious phase. It's like a parent spanking an unruly child, only the unruly child is us, the parent has really bad teeth, and the paddle is an estimated 150,000 barrel-a-day oil leak.


God at His computer
Gary Larson: guess who killed him

Would it surprise you to learn that there is one guy responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened in the history of forever? Well, it's true, and his name is God. This oil spill is just the latest in a long string of very bad things that have happened, and proves yet again that the whole creation thing was a bad idea. If God had put a little more thought into it, maybe life wouldn't be so bad and shit like this wouldn't happen. But no, the dude has proven--time and time again--to be incompetent in the extreme, and we can't even impeach him. What a jerk!

Sure, he might pass the buck along to Satan, but guess what, God created Satan. Be warned, though, if you choose this option, you will quickly discover that God still has a lot of fans out there who will call you names for voicing this opinion. Even worse, God might get mad at you for being right and ensure that you are tortured for all eternity, because that's just the kind of dick move the guy makes all the time. So, with that in mind, I offer my sincere repentance for the previous paragraphs and ask for forgiveness. Still, the guy can't dodge the blame: it's all his fault.

(you asshole)

You suck

We've come to the end, my friend, and I can't allow you to point your finger anymore. You know it's your fault, so stop denying it. You can blame poor safety regulations, poor management, bad governance, and dolphins all you want, but you can't hide the fact that you haven't done jack shit to help out. I don't see you out there sweeping oil off the beach, and I don't remember you warning anybody that this was going to happen.

So suck it up, you supercilious prick. You can't point your finger at anybody without acknowledging that, at the end of the day, you should be drawn and quartered for your hand in all this. Once we finally do that, we can relax with the knowledge that blame has been properly assigned and we can finally put our heads to the far less important task of stopping the spill and cleaning up the mess.

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-e. magill 6/1/2010

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