Tales

Ben Lassen considered himself a gifted man. Most people didn't see it his way, though; they only saw the fact that he was a sleazy door-to- door salesman and dismissed him as a grub that doesn't serve much purpose in the cosmic scheme. The people who think this, of course, have much more prosperous jobs as news-casters, actors, assistant executives of toilet paper industries, and doorknob sanitizers.

Still, Ben was certain that he had the gift to sell any item to any person. He boasted that he had once sold twelve boxes of Camel cigarettes to a non-smoking environmentalist (whose wife had died from lung cancer). He also amused himself telling the tale of the bunny rabbit he sold to a poor lonely housewife who was herself trying to sell off the thirteen baby bunnies that she had been stuck with after inheriting two rather smelly rabbits that had decided to mate. And so, Ben Lassen was a confident man. He was confident that he could sell any of the billions of things in his collection to any of the millions of people in Orlando, Florida, especially the idiotic tourists. He was so confident, in fact, that he claimed that if he failed on a single sales pitch, it would be his last.

Today he opted to work a neighborhood instead of going after the tourists. He carefully checked, as he always did, that the neighborhood wasn't rich enough to stop solicitations or neighborhood snoops. He found one Tunica Springs to be to his liking.

First he visited an old lady in a wheelchair whom he sold an awful- looking hat. Then he found a young man who acted very strangely and sold him a box of table wax. Smiling, he confidently approached another home, of exactly the same make as all the rest.

After knocking, two or three voices from inside called for him to come in. Ben shrugged, opened the door, and walked into a most bizarre scene.

"Well hello its been awhile since we've had a visitor would you like to sit down and watch some TV with us?" the woman said.

There were four people in the house, sitting on an usually large couch and each in their mid to late thirties, with frazzled hair and unkempt bodies. An odd smell hang in the air and the house seemed quiet, as if the four people on the couch were the only things of importance. What little decoration there was was dusty and mildewy and motionless.

"TV?" Ben repeated.

The TV was dusty, too, and had large black shadows in the corners of the screen. It was making a horrible high-pitched noise, most likely the side effect of overuse.

"Yes TV I think Night Court is about to start isn't it?" the woman replied.

The three men nodded affirmatives very quickly.

Nervous, Ben thought, they were nervous.

"Actually, no," he said, "I don't much care for Night Court. I'm actually here to ask your opinions on something."

"Don't like Night Court!" one man exclaimed in astonishment.

"Well," added the woman quickly, "We would change the channel but the batteries in the remote died a long time ago and we haven't been able to replace them we do have some potato chips or cokes or water if you want."

Ben tried to reply but found he was flustered as the woman gestured to a small refrigerator next to the couch which was covered in potato grease and unfathomable stains. It contributed to, but was unlikely the sole cause, for that disturbing smell.

"No? Okay then well what did you want?"

It took a few seconds for Ben to reply. He was just beginning to notice the faint odor of urine and other unmentionable body odors and he was beginning to expect that they had not bathed in weeks.

"I could sell you some batteries for that remote," he finally suggested.

"Oh great well here sit down and open that suitcase and we'll discuss it come on sit here next to us on the couch."

Ben backed off, "Uh, no, that's alright. Just give me three dollars and I'll give you two double 'A' batteries."

"Three dollars?" one of the men asked.

There was a silence.

"Yeah," Ben answered, "Three U.S. dollars and, uh, no cents."

One of the men turned to the woman and asked carefully, "Do we have three dollars?"

"Shh!" she snapped, "Of course we do but," she looked at Ben, "We need that money for food and coke from the nice boy at the grocery service we call him from this phone here and he brings us potato chips or whatever we need but you know I never thought to ask him for some batteries I think I'll just call him and ask for some right now."

She reached for the phone, but Ben stopped her with, "Well, you can just buy them from me."

"He gives us a discount," the carefully-speaking man explained.

Ben paused, "Well then I shall beat it! How 'bout two fifty."

"Listen," the woman continued, patting the empty space on the couch, "Just sit here next to us and watch Night Court and maybe we'll consider buying your batteries."

For the first time in his life, Ben wasn't sure what to do. This was most likely the strangest encounter he'd ever had in his life and there wasn't much precedent on what he should do. Oddly, he felt as though he could leave without fear of them coming after him. These were, according to the couch, refrigerator, TV, and grocery boy, obviously lazy people.

"How about just two dollars?" he asked.

The woman smiled and patted the couch again. "C'mon and sit down and we'll buy them for the two dollars."

He looked at the sofa. It was old and faded and the woman's plump hand, as it bounced off the cushion, had spots and stains all over it. He was utterly disgusted and was beginning to think that there was a disease in this house.

"C'mon," she repeated, "We won't bite."

As Ben looked at the carpet to think about how to snake out of this while still getting to sell something there was a noise. It was like a hard pounding, a half-heartbeat, but quite loud and accompanied with a sharp sudden growl. By the time Ben looked up, the sound was over and the four people were looking nervously in all directions.

"What was that?" Ben asked.

"TV!" the woman immediately answered. The others nodded affirmatives.

Ben turned to the TV. It was a commercial for Tide. There couldn't have been a loud--

Then Ben forgot the noise as an incredible thought hit him. He smiled viciously, leaned forward as the show began, and turned off the TV. The people shrieked in horror.

Still smiling, Ben turned and offered, "You want those batteries or not?"

The woman reached into her pocket with amazing force and threw out a wad of billfolds.

"Here here take four dollars and give us those batteries c'mon c'mon and turn on the TV okay?"

The other three twitched nervously and violently but never moved an inch from their seats on the couch. Ben was starting to like the situation again and decided to milk it some more.

"I can get you a new TV, too, if you'd like. I've got one in my car."

"No no no just give us give us the batteries!"

Ben put the suitcase on the table and opened it. There had to be some batteries in there somewhere... The woman, overanxious and panicked, jumped forward to get the batteries.

The other three shrieked again and the woman immediately threw herself back onto the couch. Ben looked at the four of them, who were holding on to that couch as if their lives depended on it.

"I can order you a better couch or a bigger refrigerator..."

"No no no! Just just just give us the batteries!"

One of the men moaned, "Turn on the TV!" and the noise repeated itself. This time, Ben saw the cushions of the couch jump up ever so slightly and fall back down again a few split-seconds off-kilter with gravity. It seemed as if there was something in the sofa trying to push its way out.

"What was that?" he asked, his fingers on a brand-new pack of Energizer batteries.

"Just turn on the TV," the carefully-speaking man asked.

Ben stood up, his fingers lifting off of the battery pack, and looked quizzically on the whole scene. He was missing something here.

"Please!" the woman screamed.

"Please!" one of the men echoed.

Reluctantly drifting his eyes away from the sofa, Ben looked down at the plastic-wrapped Energizer batteries. They were simple objects, but held some importance that he couldn't quite grasp. He picked them up, as if a closer examination would clear his confusion, and heard the noise again. The people screamed and Ben looked up to see the sofa cushions hopping up and down. Underneath them, indiscernible, shadowy forms were pulsing in an awkward biological fashion. Ben ran, grabbing his suitcase and dropping the batteries on the floor.

After he was gone, the woman's eyes looked fearfully at the package as she held on to the sofa cushion. If she could only get it and put the batteries in the remote and turn on the TV, it would all stop. She tried to reach with her foot to pick it up...

...and the cushions were thrown into the air, the people tossed about like rag dolls. The shadowy things beneath them reached out into the air to the new sensation of living. They pulsated and breathed as their tendrils moved slowly through the new space.

Then the TV snapped on. The forms looked for a second, stunned by the technological wonder.

Without thought, the four people got up, the woman with the remote containing the brand-new Energizer batteries, and jumped on top of the monsters with their sofa cushions. Pushing the forms back into the couch, they immediately sat down again, careful not to let the creatures escape.

Then, silently, holding the sofa cushions in place, they all breathed nervously and watched the rerun of Night Court.